Picture called "Love in the mountains" by Oziel Gomez.
Before delving into this blog post, I have a few questions that I would like to ask you - see if any questions resonate with you.
Are you in any romantic relationships currently?
Were you in any romantic relationships before?
Are you planning to be in any romantic relationship anytime soon?
Well, if you could answer the above questions, let me ask you one final one, why do we go into a relationship and leave them?
First and foremost, according to the social exchange theory crafted by George Holmes back in 1958, any relationship between 2 people is always based on a "cost-benefit" analysis. This theory states that we are constantly calculating how much we receive in return for how much we give to our partner - and if the liabilities are too huge, humans will abandon that relationship.
In today's age, however, that theory can be considered flawed in multiple aspects. Multiple studies in recent times state that humans are, unfortunately, not as convincing as we believe. Furthermore, if this theory is 100% valid, there won't be any more abusive relationship cases worldwide, right?
Hence, the question still stands; why do we go into a relationship and leave them?
Well, one way to evaluate that question is through the six life domains by Doctor Ka Tat Tsang.
To be clear, I have learned all the knowledge mentioned from Doctor Ka Tat Tsang's course, The Art and Science of Relationships, at the University of Toronto. I enrolled on this course to boost my resume, to be frank, but after delving deep into the course, I became so engrossed in it. It got me to evaluate my relationships and scrutinise them from a new perspective!
Enough talk; what exactly are the six life domains?
Environment
Your environment matters! But what do I mean by environment? Well, it simply means when you are within the same vicinity with a group of people for prolonged periods, you may lay eyes on that person who suddenly looks cute to you due to the limited options available. Hey - maybe John from Human Resources will suddenly look cute?
The example previously might not be unfamiliar to you; developing feelings and perhaps creating a relationship in your workplace or school is far too common. When the environment changes, however - say maybe John received another offer from another company, that relationship you had with him may be difficult to sustain - and it ends in an amicable (or messy) breakup.
Often, this may be Vicinity Attraction, which means we get attracted to our colleagues in our workplace or school due to the limited options available while spending time together for prolonged periods. Vicinity attraction, however, doesn't mean that the "John" we are attracted to is the right person for us. A great way to test if a "John" is right for us is to hang out with "John" more often outside of work - and if you find yourself talking nothing but work to "John" with many awkward conversations, he is not for you. (How to know if you're falling in love with your colleague or just experiencing 'vicinity attraction').
Body
The topic of the body is pretty straightforward, right? It can also be considered physical characteristics - where we each have preferences for our potential partners. Maybe you are attracted to the girl in your class because she has brown eyes? Maybe you are more attracted to darker skin tones than plainer skin? Or perhaps you are attracted to dad bods? Whatever the case, this is perfectly normal and one of the reasons we get into relationships - we are attracted to our partner's physical features, though, of course, there is more than just that!
Motivation
Motivation here means reasons. The motivation for us wanting to get into a relationship can be due to our needs, wants, and incentives only a relationship can offer. This can range from the need for sexual desires to settling down with a family to the desire to have kids. We get into relationships for countless reasons, unconsciously or even consciously! For example, I have heard stories of couples in Singapore rushing to marry due to the want to buy a flat. That is motivation.
Cognition
Cognition here refers to our thoughts, ideas, values and belief systems. If you have the same thoughts and ideas with someone, maybe "John?" - the likelihood of you getting into a relationship will be pretty high, right? After all, we need our partners to be on the same wavelength as us; otherwise, we won't be in sync with each other, right?
With that idea in mind, how about conversely, if we twist it up? When you are with "John", you realise that your values differ entirely from his - do you want to continue this relationship? It will be challenging, but most will exit the relationship due to the contrasting values. After all, we all have the ideology we all have for ourselves - and having a contrasting one makes it extremely hard to uphold that value we have set for ourselves.
Moreover, it is not right to change our values for others too. The values that we have for ourselves are private, intimate, and heck, it can even be your identity. By changing it, you practically remove yourself from someone else - eradicating all of your uniqueness.
Hence, this is why partners with different cognition usually break it off with each other.
Emotion
Affection, acceptance, validation, trust, empathy, security, prioritisation and company are all considered emotional needs. We all have different emotional needs. Maybe you value affection more than having autonomy - that is perfectly normal. Our emotional needs are one of the substantial reasons why we enter into a relationship - we are searching for our emotional needs to be fulfilled. Again, this can be a subconscious or conscious behaviour that we may engage in. And when our needs are fulfilled as soon as we get into a relationship, that high feeling is indescribable.
So, naturally, if all of a sudden our emotional needs are not fulfiled and not met, we get upset. If this lack of fulfilment were to prolong, the possibility of a breakup would exponentially increase unless something divisive is done.
Behaviour
Behaviour is very straightforward, and it all comes down to this. Suppose someone were to treat us like a king or queen all the time, fulfil all of our emotional needs and motivations, and demonstrate having the same values and thoughts as us. In that case, the chance of us getting into a relationship with that person would be over the roof, right?
It all comes down to their behaviour - if a potential partner behaves the right way, our perception of them will be positive, increasing the chances of getting into a relationship.
However, suppose the behaviour of someone during the relationship or before the connection is not pleasant. In that case, we will want to leave the relationship or not even engage in a relationship in the beginning!
In the end, to base all reasons on why we are in a relationship all down on the social exchange theory by George Holmes is not valid. Through the six domains, we find that there is more than just having a "cost-benefit" outlook when we get into a relationship because there are many other factors in play that drives us to be in a relationship!
Does this article resonate with you? Do you now know why you get into a relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments section or on this article's Instagram post at thekidsg!
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